Soooooooooooo, what have you been up to lately?

Well its been two years since the Sarge has left and the drama level has dropped off by 99%. What a surprise. When you think of the fountain of shit he created and fueled and the people that were cast aside, it makes me sick. Its over and I should let it go but I can't help thinking that this drama centric midget is doing the same thing to another group of people. If only there was a way to warn then. Hmmmm.

So things are busy here. The projects are pouring in and the bullshitters are arriving weekly. We have system administrators of hosted applications who think they're now enterprise application architecture experts. You know, the cloud. The cloud man. It going to save your soul. Everything should go to the cloud man because its multi tenant, redundant, load balanced, always available. No Software man. Until you need to actually model your business. Or get your data. Or report off it. Then your FUCKED! It's funny how the cloud people advocate putting all corporate data in the cloud but shit themselves when you tell them to do it with all their personal information first.

The Sailor is all for this. We need a DR plan. Somehow the Sarges master plan didn't cover it. Shocking. Anyway he says we should move everything to the cloud and depend on tools that haven't been released yet. Because its less work. Because its cool. Because, it's the cloud man, the fucking cloud. Can't you see? Facebook and Twitter man. That's the new model. Local database and servers are so last month.

That's all for now. It's the last day of a beautiful Memorial Day weekend and I need to detox and catch some rays.

Stay tuned for next months episode - "Crushing the Dreams of the Cloud People".

It's Official!

The Sarge has given notice that he will be leaving! Two weeks from today! Where's he going? Can't tell you just yet but it similar to "Echo Mike Charlie". (Think IBM). Here's the job description:

removed for security reasons ---

So, what do you think? Sound like our boy?

In the spirit of the reasons the blog was created, free free to post your personal stories in the comments section.

THE SARGE IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE SARGE!! The next two weeks should be a fountain of politics, bad behavior, and going away parties. Keep filtrating your personal stories in the comments section! Remeber Ja Ho Vian!! Only 8 months left til the end of the physical year!!

The End of a Long Shit

There are times when you are really looking forward to a good long shit. You know when you wake up and the pressure is there and you have the morning paper and it's quiet. You just have that 20 minutes or so of pure bliss before the bullshit of another day begins.

Then there are the times when you have to go and you don't want to. Like when you're nursing a hangover and you know that your digestive system is going to retaliate for dumping a years worth of alcohol down your craw in the span of 8 hours. It's not going to come out good, there's nothing you can do about it, and you better get in there before you lose anal sphincter control.

Well that's what it's been like working for and with the Sarge. The second shit scenario not the first. You knew it was coming, it was going to suck, and the only good part will be watching the stained TP going down the drain.

He finally got a job. Yep. A job. For more money. With a bigger company. With cooler people to work with. Could it be bullshit? Sure. In fact since most of the story cannot be verified it must be approached with the scepticism of a CSI.

But this much is true; HE'S LEAVING! We're flushing!! More to come ........

Fire on the mountain .....

run boy run .....

So, I'm having a nice quiet morning. Just walked out the door of IT to take my second shit of the morning and dead stop. Backup is bent over gasping for breath. In between breaths he tells me that there is a fire in the data center. He was going around looking for the source and turning machines off and the fire suppresion system went off. It wasn't supposed to with someone inside. So I going looking for Weasel, the head of Facilities, but he is not answering his phone nor in his office. Meanwhile the room outside of the data center is filling up with smoke. The General, a Red Bull fueled workoholic, looked at the smoke pouring out the data center door and said "I think it's coming from the data center". You find can't people of this caliber just wandering around on the street you know.

Me and backp are standing outside when the fire alarm finally goes off. At this point I start to think that maybe we won't be let back in the building and that I should get my shit and prepare for a long morning. I go back in and smoke is now filling the hallway but it's not smoke from something burning, its the smoke from the fire suppresion system and true to its design is making it difficult to breathe. We decide to move or go by ours cars in the back row and wait for the fun to begin. I also sent out an e-mail to the group telling them that there may be a fire in the data center in which I recieve a few replies asking me if I was serious. I'm shocked that people would think I would stoop that low for a joke. To our worldwide IT group. On a Thursday morning. Before my second shit. Barbarians.

I was asked by Jose to call the Old Man, the Sarge and the Tin Man and tell them to get there right away. I did. Then the police and firemen showed up complete with Hazmat and ambulance. A pretty quick response after the fire sirens were sounded. They donned Scott packs and headed into the building. Now we wait. Because the real decision makers are en route and we'll have some solid direction and leadership shortly. I can hardly wait. ........

Why Stop Now!

I don't sweep things under the rug. HAHAHAHA. Take my wife please.

Please allow me to step back in history a bit. Now the Sarge has been in Disaster Recovery (DR) mode. Non-Stop. I'm given the task of getting the DR apps together. I have to meet with the owner of our products source code server "Silent Red". I meet with him and he asks, "Please don't use use our shitty product, let's to do snaps." So I say OK. I will let them know what you want to do. I go back and say "Sarge Sir, we would like to use Snaps for products source code server, Sir". He looks at me and says " Private Tin Man, we are using our product Son. It's a dog and pony show, we eat our own dog food here, I am the Sarge and we do what the Sarge says. After all one day I will be the General". OK, I embellished a bit here but its worth it. I say to the Sarge " I don't care what you use, It's up to you. I told you Silent Red wants to snap, this is your fight, you take it up with him about our product." He says he will. (that's as funny as I don't sweep things under the rug)

So it is now a few weeks later and I get an email. Whats this an email from the Silent Red. I read " I though we agreed we wouldn't use our product." My head goes what the hell is going on here. I read further down and here is the basics of the email. The Sarge to Silent Red," We need you to upgrade the kernel of you machine so we can get the install of our product working." No where does it say hey do you mind if we talk about our product, hey can we discuss not using snaps. NOTHING. Just upgrade the kernel. I immediately call the Sarge over and ask what the hell is going on. And he says "Well we installed our product on the production source code server and its not the right kernel. I say "Did you tell Silent Red that I told you what he wanted to do?" The Sarge says "No. I have another cronnie emailing him and explaining why we are doing what we are doing". I say, "Well you need to tell him I told you and absolve me of any sins I did not commit in this. His response "Don't worry".

It is now about 2 hours later and I hear the Sarge in the next cube talking to one of the UNIX guys, Wild Bill. I listen closely to what are they saying. "We need to do a restore." I open up IM and ping the Wild Bill, and say "Do you believe this they broke the production source code server?" The Sarge in his brilliant wisdom does an install of our product on a production box, in the middle of the day and without notifying the owner. UNREAL. To make it better, the uninstall of our product is what broke the box.

This happens on Wednesday. Now on Friday the Sarge tells me he has a meeting with the Silent Red about what happened. I again ask "Did you tell him that you did this on your own?" His response,"Yes after our meeting him and I had a personal talk about what happened." OK. He could have been telling the truth. He could have been a stand up guy. And I can walk on water. I decide after he tells me this that I am going to talk to the Silent Red and settle this once and for all.

I go to his office and knock on the door. He looks up and then right down. Oh boy, this is not good. To make this short I told him I had nothing to do with this, the Sarge did it on his own. I told him what you wanted to do. He decided to do use our product. His response, "That little weasel. No respect for him. Out for him self. Basically a bash the Sarge session. BUT I DON'T SWEEP ANYTHING UNDER THE RUG. Yeah right.

ROUND 2 is still coming.

Hollywood couldn't write this

I don't even know where to begin .....

So here it is. It is Saturday and I am sitting with family. Carving pumpkins, watching horror movies when all of the sudden.......lights flicker and the TV shuts off. Odd I think but who cares. Suddenly the my crackberry rings and I can hear my heart break. Its Slammy. I know what he is going to say, "Tin Man the power in the computer room is out. Now this is no oridnary weekend. There's a huge sporting event and the traffic is insane. So I tell my real boss that I have to go check out work.
I get to work and all the lights are on. So immediately I am relaxed and things are looking up. I walk down the hallway and come to the door. I pull out my wallet and scan my card.......NOTHING. I look down and sure enough there is no power. So lets check the other doors.......NOTHING. You have to be kidding me. So I call Slammy and also find "Freddy" the electrician. Of course we can't open the doors, but luckily we find the "super" and he lets us in. I get to the Third World Data Center (TWDC) and naturally I can't get in the door. I look in the window and darkness, pure darkness. Holy Sh*t.

So to make an already long story short. It winds up the a UPS was on overload and when the power came back it had to be manually turned on. Now here is the "Tin Man" all alone in the TWDC. First, Nasal Voice shows up. We call all the important people we need to. Including the Sarge. And he asks "Do I need to be there?" I say "Of course not. What are you going to do, watch over my shoulder and continually ask me are we there yet?" Luckily we get to fix this without the Sarge and VPoO. Of course we have multiple issues. Can get the support lines switched, the anti virus software takes down the cluster, the "billion dollar" phone system doesn't work. As usual the team gets it all together and all is up and fine.

It is now Monday. And of course the Sh*t us going to hit the fan. I mean you can feel the intensity in the building. The Sarge comes over and barks "We are having a meeting at 10 to discuss Saturdays events." At approx. 9:55 VPoO comes over and asks me the "Tin Man" to join him for a VP meeting. Me and not the Sarge. And we know that does not sit well at all. Now this is my first VP meeting and let me tell you it was intense. Very Intense. Everyone is trying to throw each other under the bus and I sit and watch in awe how afraid every one is of our COO. The Sarge has his meeting and pisses off all of the other managers. Luckily I am not there. I return from the meeting and go outside for some air. And the battles begin........

The Sarge joins us for our fresh air. All finally go back inside except me and the Sarge. DING DING ROUND 1.
The Sarge says, "I don't know why you are in that meeting, I should be there. You have no business being in there. I f they want you to be the IT Director that's fine. I'm done. I'm the one who knows everything that goes on in the TWDC. I should be there. I don't sweep things under the rug. I call it as it is. This is ridiculus." (Yes, he rapes the English language. Even people that speak Ebonics say "Damn cracker! That's not a word!")

Tin Man calmly responds "Don't get made at me. Take it up with VPoO", you fucking midget.

Now the comment of "I don't sweep things under the rug" is one of the funniest lines I have ever heard. I mean all of the stuff that this man has done to others and yet he doesn't sweep. He uses a street sweeper.

Stay tuned for ROUND 2.

Coming Soon!

PDU, PDMe ........ to trace or not to trace
The Data Center goes dark .......
The Sarge - Say one thing, do another and ......

If the Tin Man doesn't post soon I'm going to kill him!

DR/BC fun

The Sarge is in full douche mode over the Disaster Recovery/Business Continuity project. Seems that him and the Sailor developed the project plan without consulting any other group. Then picked a delivery date. Then told everybody about it. Now he gets pissed every time it falls behind schedule when another "problem" crops up. What would be the DR plan for the DR project. Hmmmmmmm.

You would think in his role that he would be better at this. Sort of like his use of 3 letter acronyms. Or grammar. Or the unique form of English that he speaks.

Got to go filtrate some info. Stoneface starts Monday.

Later.

It's been awhile

and the storm has been brewing. So much has happened. We got a new VP of operations. Older guy more experience. Worked at bigger companies. Yeah right. The only thing that he's good at is bullshitting and budgets. In that order. Oh, his other "skill" is repeating the last few words of what other people have said at meetings. This can get on your nerves some days, to the point you want to choke him. But to do that you would need to brave the coating of dandruff on his shoulders and the ear wax residue from him popping his ears with his pinkie. Alot. Having to shake his hand requires a trip to the bathroom to disinfect your hands.

He hired a project manager to run the show. I've never met a married man that talks so effeminate. With an ass that belongs on a rap video ho extra. He didn't really start work hard until he was threatened with termination. Then he rose to the occasion by delegating work to others. Likes to talk on his cell phone alot in Hindi. Hard to tell if he's talking to his recruiter or ordering curry.

The VPoO has hired a Director of Business Applications. This is why the VPoO was hired but for some reason we are able to hire Managers and VPoO's and Project Managers, but no money for worker bees. 430K for managers. Un-fucking-believable.

To be continued .......

Shit Sandwich

This week starts with a meeting with the Crypt Keeper and attempting to explain technology as it applies to business. This is like trying to explain calculus to a cat, except that the cat has a shot. The Sarge came along just to swing his dick. It must feel good in the fresh air.

We got a new member. She's a girl. And she's a stiff. Nice going Sarge. There goes the ass, dick, pussy, fag jokes and racial slurs. And that also means no more burping and farting either Backup. Actually, that may benefit all of us. She's sat with us at lunch, but just doesn't get it. It could be the Junior High mentality. Could be the language barrier. Could be Hannibal and his visual rape stare. Hmmm.

PSA - Tilly has been renamed. Backup came up with it. Imagine a fat Ferris Bueller. That's our Tilly. And it doesn't help that Backup plays the "Bueller. Bueller." soundclip every morning when I come in. Or that we shout it down the hall at him. Just cruel man.

The week ended with the prior week's system crash affecting the sales group. It seems that the people that are supposed to using the system, weren't using it. They were told to use it. But couldn't use it. And threw a hissy fit. It's different when a kid does it. But this crew. Amazing.

Oh. I forgot. The Fan got the axe this week. He knew it was coming but seemed to have an impact just the same. The good part - no more having to listen to WFAN every day, no more listening to speaker phone calls at max volume, and no more "AHHHHHHHHH" beginning every sentence. The bad - no more of the nervous laugh like sound while he wears headphones. Too funny. Oh, and not even an announcement telling the company that he left. Nice send off.

Crash and Dance

What a week. The Sarge's first week at the helm and a major system goes down. Oooohhhhh. This should be it. The Sarge should get whacked. The Sailor in charge? Hmmmmm.

Not so. The Sarge whips out dance steps that Michael Jackson would be shitting his pants over. Spinnin like a break dancer. I never seen shit like this in my life. Me and the Sarge should have been whacked and instead we got accolades over our handling over the situation. If I didn't see it, I wouldn't have believed it.

The meeting I had with the Sarge, Pretty Boy Salesguy, The One Legged Tyrant, and the Whale went well. The Sarge talked about what he's going to do, and everyone else just wants to get their job done. The conversation wanders from hanging the Crypt Keeper (the CFO) to reporting about connectivity to corporate. Great. The idiot against the bullshitters. Must be a full moon.

Ali Babba and Tilly raid CC's office cleaning it out for the new (Sarge) occupant. Now the Sarge swore blind he wasn't taking that office due to bad luck, but something must have changed his mind. Hmmmm.

Talked to the Son today. Just before I left. The Sarge ask me to. That fuck. I re-architected the project while talking to the Son. Considering I was both tired and preoccupied, I was amazingly calm. But when I'm recommending political strategy to the CEO's son, something's very very wrong.

The week ends quietly except for a server move that would have affected all remote users of the CRM package. The Silver Fox happen to mentioned it by phone. I had to assure him that I would intervene with the Sarge and get him out of it. Thank god for spotty cell phone service. Happy Cinco de Miyo.

Captain Clambo's last day

Sad day today. It was Captain Clambo's last day. But, true to form, it was a constant stream of assinine decisions executed poorly. All started with the lunch that was suggested by the Sarge. See the Sarge is the one that actually fired Captain Clambo at the behest of his superiors. But since the Sarge reports to the CEO, Slammer, it seems that Slammer wanted him gone. Or so the Sarge says. Until you do a little digging and find out that the Sarge has been spoon feeding Slammer stories of the IS deparments shortcomings. You see the Sarge once worked for Coyote. And they apparently had an IS department. And the Sarge understood this IS department. He also had very cozy relationships with Coyote's vendors. The vendors succesfully convinced the Sarge that the use of their products is the ONLY way to run an IT shop. Since our shop doesn't match the Sarge's only known configuration, we need to change. Oh yeah, and we need an army of consultants to help us acheive this. More on that later.

So here we go to the LUNCH. Revservations for 9. There a 10 in our group. Apparently the Sarge has already subtracted CC (Cap't Clambo) from the total. Thanks dude. Anyway, all of us show up at predetermined lunch location except for the Sarge. The betting starts as to if the Sarge will even show up. Followed by a round of Sarge bashing. Quite prophectic considering the evenings festivities. More on that later. So just when the fun starts, Sarge shows up. The edge is lost. Pedestrian conversation. Awaiting the toast from the Sarge thanking him for all of his years of hard work. Because he would apprecitate that. But it never comes. Thank god.
Lunch ends without incident.

Clocks ticking. Only a few minutes until CC's farewell drinking bash. YEAH! What? The Sarge wants to see us up front. Oh Shit. What could this be? Delayed regrets? No. We need to change every fucking password that CC knew, might have known, or even guessed. Fuck. This is going to cut into drinking time. Is there a plan? No. Sarge says, "We gotta get this done." Thanks. Dickhead.

So we run around changing passwords figuring out how to get out of it until the weekend. Fuck this. Time to drink. "Hey Sarge, I'm done I'm going home." "Thanks. I appreciate you staying." Yeah thanks. Fuck you.

Get to the designated party spot. Things are in full swing. Rockin'! Let's drink. Very quickly it turns from goodbaye CC to bash on Sarge. Interdepartmental bash! Cool!! From ebonics at high level meetings to one on one stories, the hits just keep coming. Great night! Saw the Lowman's ass. It's not a party until somebody drops trou'. Later CC. We love ya!